I love my life!

I love my life!

(This post definitely gets my length disclaimer: this will get wordy. I can't help it on this subject.)

I love my life. There, I said it. It's true. I know it sounds like a trite thing to say, but I absolutely and unequivocally adore my life. I have always been a Pollyanna sort, and one who has been almost always been able to find the silver lining. I have rarely, however, applied that to my own personal life. I have in the little ways we all do, when I think, it could always be worse, or at least I ...<fill in the blank>. It isn't really until recently that I have come to the place that I am really certain of God's Divine Providence in my life.

Divine Providence is so much more than I ever understood until this point in my life. When I was younger, and back in my protestant days, I was going through a very difficult time. A church leader once said to me, "You're lucky. You suffer from a sweet disposition." in referring to my ordeal. I was speechless. I was thinking, what??? I am going through a horrible time, struggling in pretty much every area, and you think I am lucky? Suffer and sweet shouldn't belong in the same sentence. How can this be sweet? How can my situation be anything but crummy?

I didn't understand at that point just what he was saying. I have since come to understand (and forgive, lol) exactly the point he was trying to make. No, my situation may not be ideal, it may not be anything I've ever hoped for, or wished for, or it may not even being anything I would ever hope or wish for anyone else. It may look like nothing good, and all bad, but my situation is mine. I am there. Maybe not because I want to be, but certainly because I am meant to be. Divine Providence.

People think Divine Providence means that God is taking care of you and it's all good. Divine, that is a word that connotates something of or pertaining to God. God is all good. God is all loving. God is holy. Things that come from God are good. Providence connotates taking care of, providing for. So, we put those two words together. God is providing for us in a good way.

Wait a minute. I am 38 years old, I have lost a brother, my father, and my mother. I am essentially an adult orphan. I have health issues. They could be a lot worse, but they still let me know they are there. We are raising four children on a student budget. We had our lifelong plan of being an Army family ripped away from us. How are any of these things good? How can God, who is all-good, all-loving, all-powerful, put me in this situation?

The main answer is that the definition of "good" in my eyes does not always mesh with the definition of "good" in God's eyes. These circumstances I find myself in, the loss I have experience, especially recently with the death of my mother, these things are not in and of themselves good things. But, through all of these things, my faith has actually been strengthened. I feel closer to God than ever before. I know without a doubt I am right where I am supposed to be.

We made it through the summer on a very small monthly paycheck. On paper, it shouldn't have worked out. There are people that helped us get there. There are people that reached out and helped us through this very rough summer. All our bills were paid and the only thing we had cut off was our Internet. We had enough gas to get to Mass. We had food on our table every day. No one went hungry. Divine Providence. Yes, it is true, but Divine Providence is so much more than taking care of physical and material needs.

Many times, when something bad happens, people lose their faith. They get angry at God, sometimes even turning away from Him completely. I am so blessed that this is not the case for me. I found that I had to rely on my faith to get through this summer, and really draw on the strength that God provided for me. When going through the loss of my mother, each day was worse than the one before. The entire process was absolutely the worst and most emotional thing I have ever been through in my life. Gut wrenching does not even touch it, nor does heart-breaking. Each day she slipped further and further away, and I had to watch it, I had to participate in and help make decisions that would affect her life. It was too much to bear. I cried so much. I cried until I felt dehydrated from the inside out. It was wretched. I cried to my husband on the phone, "I can't do this! I cannot sit here and lose her. I just can't do this anymore. I want to come home. I want to walk away and pretend that this is not my life." I am so thankful for Mr. Cat, and him listening to me. I walked away from many of those conversations with so many emotions rolling through my entire being. I always walked away from them with strength. I took that little bit of strength that he was able to give me, and I used it to reach out to God. I now know what it means when someone says, "I cried out to God in my despair." Indeed I did cry out to God in my despair, and indeed God gave me the strength to make it through. Strength was my prayer. "God, give me enough strength to make it through this day. Give me enough strength to make it through this meeting with the ICU nurses and doctors. Give me enough strength to get through this night." Each and every time I felt like I could stand no more, I prayed for just enough to get me through to the next moment and GOD WAS FAITHFUL. He provided. That, my friends, is Divine Providence. Again, I was on the phone talking to Mr. Cat: "I can't do this. I just absolutely cannot plan my mom's funeral. I cannot do this. I don't want to do this. No daughter should have to do this for her mother. This is wrong and I am all done." And I walked away with a faint hint of strength. And I prayed. And God was faithful. Divine Providence.

Before this summer I said: Where I wish I was, and where I am, are two very different places. This is not so much the case anymore. Slowly, very slowly, I am saying: I want to be where I am, because this is where God has placed me. What I wish is what God wishes for me. I am saying: I am happy where I am. I am content to be where I am. I am no longer looking at where I could be, or wish I was, or even want to be, and instead I am directing my idea of what I want into where I am. It has made a world of a difference in my outlook.

I love my life. I love where God has placed me. Indeed it is sweet, even amidst sorrow, because God has seen my weeping and He has provided me with all I need, which is just enough. I love my life.

***Stay tuned for "How do I love my life.....let me count the ways."***